As I sit down to write on this quiet morning, I turn on Pandora for background music – Imogen Heap seems about the right mood. The first song is “Goodnight and Go”, though, a song that transports me back instantly to sophomore year of college. No good. I need background music that will bring me back to this moment in 10 years. Switching to The Hunts.
First song: Make this leap. Ok, this seems right.
I am reeling in an out-of-body experience right now. In a month, Grant and I will be … where? Somewhere in Europe! Hopefully Spain.
We just gave notice on our apartment today, and both our jobs know we are leaving. This is not my life. This is happening to someone else. It feels very surreal to have something you have talked about for a long time at a high level come to fruition and actually happen. I am scared. I am excited. I am having this internal dialog of “In a month, I have no place to live. I have no source of income. What am I doing?”
The only other time I have had this feeling is when Grant proposed to me. It was something I had wanted, dreamed, hoped about for so long, that when it happened in real life, it just seemed unreal (ironic, I know). I didn’t expect this decision, this excursion abroad, to feel of this magnitude. I already feel like I will never be the same person again, and we haven’t even left the country!
I am trying to fight all planning instincts and be open to whatever may happen. It turns out this is both amazingly hard for me and amazingly freeing. I am ignoring some of my internal dialog, but as I do that, it is like I am hearing other internal voices that I had never heard before over the ruckus of anxiety. These new voices don’t judge me – these new voices say “I am Margaret Frances Davis, and I am on a pedestal.”* These new voices say that there are parts of me I have ignored that need some attention. These voices speak to me that I am a creative soul, with an inventive spirit, and that I can do anything I set my mind to.
“Up above the static, up above the racket, I hear your voice calling me out of the darkness.”
I know this surreal feeling will fade with time. I will weave this decision to move abroad for 6+ months into my life story seamlessly. It will be part of who I am moving forward. For this moment, though, it is not real. For this moment, my feelings are a premonition that there is a metamorphosis happening. It’s happening somewhere deep inside but it will make its way to the surface soon.
Now to lock down our visas so that we can actually stay in Europe for the length of time we want to stay…details.
*When I was a little girl, my mom used to say this to me. She would say if you treat yourself as if you are on a pedestal, others will respect you as well. At the time, it seemed driven by manners and being proper, but now I understand it is about self-love.